(From The Big Issue No. 355, page 43)
From: Cameron & Clegg <email@example.com>
To: UK people <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: The New UK
Dear UK Peeps,
David Cameron and Nick Clegg from the UK Government here. How are you? We are fine. Hey isn’t it great that we have formed a coalition? The Tory Conservatives and the Liberal Democrats – who woulda thunk it? Anyway, we’ve had to change a few things: from now on our party will be known as the Toribals. Also, as one party was centre-left-social-liberal and the other was centre-right-conservative, our persuasion will now be centre-leftish-social-bit-to-the-right-thanks-whoa-back-up-a-bit. And from now on we should be collectively addressed as Dick Clagg.
PM Dick Clagg
10.50am, 25 May, 2010
I have a genuine reason to use the word “Messers” in an official letter. Woo-hoo!
12.12pm, 25 May, 2010
In the kitchen at work, I watch our Executive Director’s EA wash out a Diet Coke bottle, take off the label and put bottle and cap in the recycling bin.
Durdlin: Did you just take off the label and recycle the bottle and lid separately?
ED’s EA: Yes, did you know you’re supposed to take the label off? Lots of people don’t. It makes me furious when I see people throw their empty cartons or bottles in the bin. The recycling bin is RIGHT THERE!
8.08am, 26 May, 2010
Colleague: Ahh, well done, good to see.
Durdlin (perplexed): … ?
I turn around and notice he is wearing a maroon football jersey. It is State of Origin time and I have unintentionally worn a maroon shirt to work.
Durdlin: Oh! That was accidental.
Colleague: Well, there’s hope for you yet.
10.23am, 27 May, 2010
“…is focused on providing and ensuring that its overall usability and capability meets our employee’s needs“.
I wonder who the lucky employee is?
8.18am, 28 May, 2010
(I’m allowed to buy a coffee every Friday. For the last 9 months or so I’ve been going to a friendly place across the road that lets me use my own travel mug instead of their disposable ones).
Barista: It’s a beautiful mug.
Durdlin: Thank you!
Barista: …for a beautiful lady.
Durdlin: Aww, thanks! Have a great day.
8.51am, 28 May, 2010
Dear my team at work,
Every time one of you says “Is it the 28th (or whatever date it happens to be) today?” I hear my Father chime, “All day and half the night“.
So far I have resisted the urge to say this aloud. I hope you realise just how much self restraint this requires.